ilmoro
Member of DD Central
'Wondering which of the bu***rs to blame, and watching for pigs on the wing.' - Pink Floyd
Posts: 10,838
Likes: 11,067
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Post by ilmoro on May 19, 2015 13:04:47 GMT
If you've been burgled, and want to ensure the police turn up, just add the magic words, 'I think one of the burglars may have had a gun' I guarantee a good response!!! or "I'm sure I put that gun somewhere" Gun! Just tell em they're armed with a ruler!
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Steerpike
Member of DD Central
Posts: 1,961
Likes: 1,680
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Post by Steerpike on May 19, 2015 13:18:16 GMT
Time saver.
Don't get married - just find someone you don't like and give them a house
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Post by wildlife2 on May 19, 2015 13:31:06 GMT
Paint the town red lilac.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 19, 2015 14:32:41 GMT
Prevent your house getting burgled while on holiday by simply leaving your wife at home and getting her to turn the lights on every night at 7pm.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 19, 2015 14:33:23 GMT
Stay cool this summer by visiting Liverpool, where the police helicopter provides a cool breeze.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,742
Likes: 3,137
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Post by jonno on May 19, 2015 14:42:22 GMT
Drivers: save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car.That way you'll always be going downhill,thereby saving on fuel
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Post by rudry2677 on May 19, 2015 18:48:53 GMT
A frozen BBQ flavoured chicken drumstick makes a lovely savoury alternative to an ice lolly.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 19, 2015 18:49:34 GMT
Police. Avoid making criminals angry by smashing their front door down in the afternoon instead of early in the morning.
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Post by bracknellboy on May 19, 2015 20:03:37 GMT
Police. Avoid getting punched/stabbed/shot by angry criminals by smashing their door down early in the morning when they are still comatose from overdose of drugs/alcohol instead of in the afternoon when they are high on drugs/alcohol.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 19, 2015 21:22:31 GMT
Be prepared as you get older, to admit you are wrong some of the time.
Then again, be prepared when married to admit you are wrong ALL the time.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 19, 2015 21:24:00 GMT
Slimming tablets often taste bitter, try adding a spoonful of jam.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 19, 2015 21:34:56 GMT
Save money by just walking around the outside of a zoo. You can see the animals with long necks for free.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 19, 2015 21:36:24 GMT
Hippos are faster than humans on land and in the water.
So if you are up against one in a triathlon, you really need to make time up on the cycling.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 20, 2015 8:16:31 GMT
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath.
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Post by rudry2677 on May 20, 2015 8:17:52 GMT
To find out who's stinking out the office toilet, swap the air freshener for an air horn.
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