The dead platform sketch
Lender: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Lender: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Lender: (pause)I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Lender: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this loan what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very platform.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Medium Term Loan...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Lender: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Lender: Look, matey, I know a dead platform when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! remarkable loans, the Medium Term loans, idn'it, ay? Beautiful rates!
Lender: The rates don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Lender: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Platform! I've got lovely fresh funds for you if you show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Lender: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Lender: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Lender: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO CUSTOMER SUPPORT!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Lender: Now that's what I call a dead platform.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's 'avin' a software update!
Lender: A SOFTWARE UPDATE?!?
Owner: Yeah! You crashed the platform, just as he was wakin' up! P2P platforms crash easily, major.
Lender: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That platform is definitely deceased, and when I purchased loans not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged investment.
Owner: The Medium Term loans is remarkable loans, id'nit, squire? Lovely rates!
Lender: Look, I took the liberty of examining that loan when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been paying in the first place was that it had been serviced by the PF.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was serviced by the PF! If I hadn't been serviced by the PF, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Lender: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this platform wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Lender: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This platform is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! FO has F'd Off! THIS IS AN EX-PLATFORM!!