Dear Ablrate...

I sit alone in my living room, basking in the warmth of my "Fireplace DVD: Volume 6: Pine wood" DVD. I know it's not a real fireplace, and my £12 DVD player from Cash Converters keeps skipping once it hits the 23rd minute, but it's all I have to remember her by. It's what she got my on our third date. That and a bottle of Bucks Fizz from the Cash and Carry. Those were the good times, when we had money. I feel emotionally warmed by the DVD, and at the same time thankful that it's not a real fireplace as I'd be sweating my bollocks off on this unusually warm September evening.

Then I hear her at the door. Knock knock knock. Obviously the door-bell didn't work anymore, I couldn't afford to replace the batteries. But that was from the days when I was getting a mere 6% return. Not anymore. New ribs was in town, and he was making serious bank.

There she was. Sarah. Dressed head to toe in a Adidas tracksuit and trainers. Go faster stripe down the side. Pure class.

"Well well well, looks who's come crawling back", says I.

"Hi ribs, can I come in? ... And... Can you put on some trousers maybe?". Jog on with the trousers Sarah, I'll stick to my y-fronts thank you very much. Sure, ribs junior may go for a little outing every time I sit down, but I prefer things this way. Nothing like a cool refreshing breeze to keep one alert. A great tip I picked up from James.

"Look" she continues, "maybe I was a little... hasty... with James, and leaving you. Turns out shitposting on the Internet isn't as much of a money making machine as it once was. Since the crackdown on fake news and Russian spamming bots, James is hardly able to make more than one or two memes a week these days. He hardly ever gets to the front page of Reddit and most of his twitter followers are edge-lord 14 year olds, there's no money in that. You, however, you know how to provide for a woman. Maybe I... Maybe I made a mistake"

"Provide?", I raise my eyebrows slightly and beckon her to join me at the computer. I take a seat. Sarah prefers to stand, which is handy as I only own one chair. Plus I know she's enjoying the view my inadequate underwear is providing her.

My heart is racing! This is the chance I have to repair my marriage! I can hardly control my normally nimble fingers; no cheese twist dust on my fingers meant the normal friction on the keyboard wasn't there. The keys were oily now, slippery almost. That coupled with the pure adrenaline now coursing through my veins meant I'd gone from a smooth operator, a keyboard warrior, to a gibbering wreak, hardly able to string together website addresses. Get it together man! Too much is at stake here!

"I'll show you provide... watch this". I start typing in the address... w w w dot... no porn in the autocomplete, phew! a b l -- autocomplete comes through for me twice in as many seconds... Ablrate's website autocompletes. I triumphantly hammer down my enter key, and watch my computer gloriously automatically load the website, and login me in with my LastPass install. Oh yes, I'm basically flirting automatically now. This is diet flirting, with half the calories.

Sarah's eyes widen. "oh wow... 10-15%... that's a lot more than you were getting". She's looking all flushed. I can see her pupils dilate, she's blushing slightly. You've got her hooked now ribs, reel her in.

Her eyes scan the screen... Cash Balance: £54.23... she sharply inhaled. I was a big fish now, and she knows it. Invested Funds: £0.00. All interest Earned: £4.23. She moves back to Invested Funds... £0.00... oh no

"ribs... those invested funds.... why are they zero?! Why do you have all of your cash earning nothing?!"

What have I done!

"I ... I can explain! Ablrate said in February the auto trading system was nearly ready! There were just a few tweaks! JUST A FEW TWEAKS!" Now I was doing the links in my speech... but how?

"I'm sorry ribs. I can't do this. I just can't stay with someone who stays with a platform that doesn't have an autolend feature. You could be up to £55 by now."

"But the loan only repaid yesterday! Give me another chance! I can re lend!"

"Really? With everything already being 100% fulfilled? I think not. I'm sorry ribs... it's over. Real men use platforms with an autolend feature. I guess I was wrong to think you had changed"

And with that, she turned on her heels and walked out the door. I lost her. Again.

Just a few tweaks they said... Just... a few ... tweaks...