8th June UK Election - PREDICTIONS

If JC does ascend at least we will have Sir Kier Starmer "the man who can't admit he was wrong" protecting us from bad jokes

The politico link posted above has some little gems, some of which should make those of any political persuasion smile at in these troubled times.

Re. LD’s, some have them as winning only 2 or 3 seats (& perhaps, shockingly, none in England).

Scotland – 48 seems to be the par expectation for SNP (with all their lost seats going to the blue team). A particularly strong shy Tory vote north of the border (irrespective of the seats won the non-SNP vote count there I think will be one of the most interesting things to watch) could knock them down to 45 or even a little lower, which would go some way to compensating for the disappointing performance elsewhere that the 30-40 seat majority jonah  mentioned would have to be seen to be.

I suppose I should disclose at this point that I have taken a minority shareholding in an as yet unpublicised online commercial outfit called smallgunjustonebulletveryverycheap.com (correctly pronounced in an Indian trader’s accent) who may shortly be opening with a warehouse near you. Customers need to be 18, be able to demonstrate they have written their will & possibly nothing more (though payment will be strictly in cash.) This last point apparently to help fund a level of demand that the founders (specialists in rapidly-scaling business ventures) claim “will make recent cryptocurrency uptake look like the queue for a misplaced hot dog stand at a bar mitzvah ceremony”.

There will be no refunds (for any reason whatsoever) so if the product didn’t work first time you can simply buy another (they are very very cheap after all). Official reason for this being that “we are committed to providing the highest level of customer service & are confident the quality of our products is such that, if used correctly, there can be no unsatisfied customers (we don’t actually expect to hear back from many of them & as testimony for this will only have one old dear employed in our Customer Services Division. Btw she will be able to help with filling out of wills & the very short instruction manual, do please feel free to rate our product on our website – we have a special time-saving “Did what it said it on the tin” box you can tick - but please remember to do so before fully using it).”

There was some internal discussion amongst shareholders that the no-refund policy might be deemed illegal (& in fact there were concerns raised by a small minority there could also be other legal issues, but these were quickly shut up). More serious & committed shareholders (such as myself) would like to clarify that the no-refund policy is principally an additional measure in defence of the customer experience, with the level of demand we are expecting it would be counter-productive to allow administrative delays to get in the way of our new order handing. (For those suspecting there might be other motives not sure I should be saying this but, despite having other ongoing successful ventures, the founders view this as a non-replicable once in a lifetime business opportunity, have purchased an inordinate quantity of stock &, perhaps understandably, want to get properly rich).

Depending on election results the company will go live with a big bang (or, to be more precise, lots of little bangs echoing across this once great kingdom) & an indecently expensive online advertising campaign at some point tomorrow morning, carefully targeting anyone & everyone who has ever posted, tweeted, retweeted, simply expressed an interest in, or (I am told) even read (they have some nifty software for this apparently) any article (ever) of a political nature. SGJOBVVC.com are extremely proud of their ethical credentials, have undergone the most rigorous certifications in this as yet emerging sector, & adopt a strict no-discrimination policy - all political allegiances, colours, races & creeds are warmly welcomed to sign up.

For fullest possible disclosure I suppose I should add I am as yet undecided as to whether I will take a long position on my shareholding, try to make a quick erm killing out of it, or join the queue at the new customer sign-up desk.

My prediction is that whatever the result, JC will stay on. Question is what will the rest of Labour MP's do?

Absolute quality and worth more than one like!

Clearly a mix up with Nursey's real name from Black Adder!!!!!

I think it may be much closer to May losing her majority than many believe for the following reason.

What the pollsters struggle to get right is the correction/weighting applied to the likelihood of each member in their sample actually going out to vote. Traditionally, it has been assumed that the older generation are more likely to vote and that the young basically care about it a lot less (in general terms of course). This time, I suspect that may not be the case since I think a lot of the young are very motivated (if anecdotal evidence from social media etc is to be believed) so I think this time round the results will be more in Labour's favour than is currently thought now.

I put my money where my mouth is and got around 8:1 on there being any result other than a Tory majority.