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Post by yorkshireman on Sept 12, 2016 15:26:07 GMT
Bankers are people that help you with problems you would not have had without them.
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Post by yorkshireman on Sept 12, 2016 15:26:56 GMT
Hospitals report that the hearts of bankers are in strong demand by transplant patients, because they’ve never been used.
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Post by yorkshireman on Sept 12, 2016 15:32:59 GMT
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Japanese man stormed out and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
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Jokes
Sept 12, 2016 15:38:15 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Sept 12, 2016 15:38:15 GMT
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her one last question: "How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One". The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates. The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know". Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm – wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?" After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Twenty Eight" The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?" To which she replies "Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar, Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar Dar Dar, Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar, Dar De Dar Dar Dar"
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808 
Likes: 3,241
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Post by jonno on Sept 13, 2016 9:51:41 GMT
The last time I was here a woman asked me for sex. I had to severely disappoint her. We had sex.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,241
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Post by jonno on Sept 14, 2016 14:13:46 GMT
Years ago I was arrested for supplying Filofaxes to the Mafia. I had to confess to being involved in very organised crime. 
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Post by martin44 on Sept 15, 2016 20:28:06 GMT
An octopus walks into a bar where a small band of musicians are playing - a pianist, a guitarist, and a bagpipe player. "I am the world's greatest musician!" it boasted.
"Give me any instrument and I'll show you!"
The pianist, intrigued, gives the octopus his piano. The octopus immediately starts playing it so well that Elton John would pay for lessons.
Next, the guitar player hands his guitar to the octopus. It plays so well that Brian May would weep to hear it.
Finally, the bagpipe player gives his bagpipes to the octopus. It fumbles with it for a few minutes. The bagpipe player said "Well?".
The octopus replied "I would take her upstairs, but I can't get her pajamas off!"
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Post by martin44 on Sept 15, 2016 21:13:08 GMT
Being a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, i laid awake all night contemplating, Is there really a dog.
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Jokes
Sept 15, 2016 21:18:38 GMT
Post by martin44 on Sept 15, 2016 21:18:38 GMT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of red wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson up and says, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes continues, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Where's our tent."
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Post by yorkshireman on Sept 22, 2016 11:08:04 GMT
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Whose white horse is that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whisky, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Whose white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
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registerme
Member of DD Central
Posts: 6,624
Likes: 6,437
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Post by registerme on Sept 23, 2016 8:11:55 GMT
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Whose white horse is that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whisky, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Whose white horse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running." That... is... dreadful! 
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2016 12:22:17 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Sept 23, 2016 12:22:17 GMT
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Whose white horse is that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whisky, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Whose white horse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running." That... is... dreadful! Thank you, one does one’s best!!!
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,241
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Post by jonno on Sept 24, 2016 19:00:30 GMT
The Lone Ranger rides around a bluff and sees Tonto lying on the ground with his ear to the ground." What's up Tonto ?"asks LR. "Shhh " replies Tonto. "A large stagecoach, four horses, two riders, about half a mile away" says Tonto.
"Jesus Tonto, how on earth do you know that?" asks LR.
"Ran me over about two minutes ago" replied Tonto.
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2016 10:56:17 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Oct 7, 2016 10:56:17 GMT
What do you do when a bird craps on your car?
Don’t take her out again.
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2016 11:02:10 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Oct 7, 2016 11:02:10 GMT
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie.
They stopped and Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"
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