agent69
Member of DD Central
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Post by agent69 on May 29, 2018 16:35:08 GMT
My dog was recently rescued from a freezing lake by a passing German tourist.After he got out of the water he told me “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm and he vill be fine”. I asked “are you a vet?” .“vet?”he replied... I’m soaking!”. Reminds me of an athletics joke.
Commentator asked one of the competitors "are you a pole vaulter". Response was "no I'm German, and how did you know my name was Walter"
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goofy115
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Post by goofy115 on May 30, 2018 20:11:40 GMT
Two electrons are walking down the road when one turns to the other panicking ‘I think I’ve lost an electron!’. ’Are you sure?’ ’I’m positive!!’.
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Jokes
May 30, 2018 21:30:03 GMT
Post by bracknellboy on May 30, 2018 21:30:03 GMT
Two electrons are walking down the road when one turns to the other panicking ‘I think I’ve lost an electron!’. ’Are you sure?’ ’I’m positive!!’. I think a less panicked and more considered opinion would conclude that it should be neutral on the matter. Or have ceased to exist, - or at least been converted, possibly to a burst of electro magnetic radiation).
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goofy115
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Post by goofy115 on May 31, 2018 8:26:32 GMT
Whilst walking down a street near a prison I observed what appeared to be a short man lowering himself down the prison wall. ‘Ah’ I thought to myself ‘That’s just a little condescending ‘.
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Jokes
May 31, 2018 21:14:13 GMT
Post by jevans4949 on May 31, 2018 21:14:13 GMT
Two electrons are walking down the road when one turns to the other panicking ‘I think I’ve lost an electron!’. ’Are you sure?’ ’I’m positive!!’. I think a less panicked and more considered opinion would conclude that it should be neutral on the matter. Or have ceased to exist, - or at least been converted, possibly to a burst of electro magnetic radiation). It would make more sense if it were 2 atoms floating about in a battery. Or something like that. But I never did O level Physics.
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Jokes
Jun 7, 2018 12:43:46 GMT
Post by saraph on Jun 7, 2018 12:43:46 GMT
On a date, guy says: "So I've been talking about myself all night. I'd like to be the one asking questions now."
Girl: "Sure, what do you wanna know?"
Guy "What are your 5 most favorite things about me?"
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
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Post by jonno on Jun 18, 2018 13:16:47 GMT
"Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home".
"Mmm, sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me"
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
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macq
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2018 22:37:02 GMT
Post by macq on Jun 19, 2018 22:37:02 GMT
Only borrow money from a pessimist. As they won't expect it back.
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macq
Member of DD Central
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Post by macq on Jun 19, 2018 22:42:37 GMT
Why is a hotel mini bar like a time machine? Because it lets you see what a can of Coke & a packet of peanuts will cost in 10 years time
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goofy115
Member of DD Central
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Jokes
Jul 3, 2018 22:24:37 GMT
Post by goofy115 on Jul 3, 2018 22:24:37 GMT
A little known fact about the England and Arsenal forward Danny Welbeck is that is father use to be a bomb disposal expert called Stan.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2018 11:22:49 GMT
Post by jonno on Jul 5, 2018 11:22:49 GMT
A little known fact about Stan Welbeck, the famous bomb disposal expert is that his son, Daniel, is a very successful professional footballer, plying his trade for Arsenal and England.
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IFISAcava
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2018 11:27:58 GMT
Post by IFISAcava on Jul 5, 2018 11:27:58 GMT
A little known fact about Stan Welbeck, the famous bomb disposal expert is that his son, Daniel, is a very successful professional footballer, plying his trade for Arsenal and England. allegedly
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2018 11:30:52 GMT
Post by jonno on Jul 5, 2018 11:30:52 GMT
A little known fact about Stan Welbeck, the famous bomb disposal expert is that his son, Daniel, is a very successful professional footballer, plying his trade for Arsenal and England. allegedly Good point,well made; although to be honest you could have bold Arsenal as well!
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ilmoro
Member of DD Central
'Wondering which of the bu***rs to blame, and watching for pigs on the wing.' - Pink Floyd
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2018 11:48:22 GMT
Post by ilmoro on Jul 5, 2018 11:48:22 GMT
Good point,well made; although to be honest you could have bold Arsenal as well! Depends what you consider his trade - benchwarming is a time honoured role - bit like drinks carrying in cricket. Of course, somewhat ironic that in football 'water carrier' has become a respected description for a player and involves actual playing and no drinks.
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macq
Member of DD Central
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Post by macq on Aug 8, 2018 14:02:57 GMT
A money riddle
Three pensioners are walking down the road and see an old telly in the window of a second hand shop on sale for £15
They tell the young lad behind the counter they wish to buy the telly for their care home They then each give five One pound coins to him in payment
The young lad goes out the back to get a box to put it in and his boss says what are you selling.When he tells him its the telly to a care home the boss says ok but give them £5 back
When he gets back the lad thinks they don't know what the boss said so he puts 2 £1 coins back in his pocket and tells them the boss has said to give you each a £1 coin back So they now have each have paid £4 and he kept £2 so who has the other £1?
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