Investor
Member of DD Central
Posts: 662 
Likes: 590
|
Jokes
Aug 12, 2015 8:52:38 GMT
Post by Investor on Aug 12, 2015 8:52:38 GMT
"What are those things standing in that field?" "Herd of cows?" "Yes". "Well it's them". And we have finally run out of jokes and re-cycled back to the first joke on this thread
|
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 12, 2015 9:14:49 GMT
Post by rudry2677 on Aug 12, 2015 9:14:49 GMT
"What are those things standing in that field?" "Herd of cows?" "Yes". "Well it's them". And we have finally run out of jokes and re-cycled back to the first joke on this thread Not deliberately, obviously.
|
|
skippyonspeed
Some people think I'm a little bit crazy, but I know my mind's not hazy
Posts: 787
Likes: 424
|
Jokes
Aug 12, 2015 13:31:46 GMT
Post by skippyonspeed on Aug 12, 2015 13:31:46 GMT
What's the definition of Yuk?.............When you go to give yer granny a kiss goodbye, she sticks her tongue in
|
|
jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
|
Post by jonno on Aug 13, 2015 15:33:57 GMT
One armed butlers; they can take it, but they can't dish it out  |
|
jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
|
Post by jonno on Aug 14, 2015 13:01:12 GMT
My mate said to me "Do you know that Marie Osmond has just starred in one of the worst films ever made?". I said "Warner Brothers?". He replied "Don't worry , they've already been told".
|
|
Steerpike
Member of DD Central
Posts: 1,977
Likes: 1,687
|
Post by Steerpike on Aug 14, 2015 14:13:28 GMT
"I took my wife to the Caribbean for our holiday"
"Jamaica?"
"No, she wanted to go"
|
|
Steerpike
Member of DD Central
Posts: 1,977
Likes: 1,687
|
Post by Steerpike on Aug 14, 2015 14:15:34 GMT
"I took my wife to Indonesia for our honeymoon"
"Jakarta?"
"No we flew"
|
|
Steerpike
Member of DD Central
Posts: 1,977
Likes: 1,687
|
Post by Steerpike on Aug 14, 2015 14:45:28 GMT
"Excuse me sonny, please can you move farther down the bus?"
"That's not father, that's grandfather"
|
|
|
|
Post by yorkshireman on Aug 18, 2015 21:12:33 GMT
What’s the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can’t hit and the other can hoot but can’t sh*t.
|
|
skippyonspeed
Some people think I'm a little bit crazy, but I know my mind's not hazy
Posts: 787
Likes: 424
|
Jokes
Aug 19, 2015 11:36:21 GMT
Post by skippyonspeed on Aug 19, 2015 11:36:21 GMT
A 16 year old boy starts a new job in a shop. The shop owner says to him "Always smile and be polite, you serve the next customer and I will observe and listen"
A few minutes pass and the first customer comes in.
The young lad smiles and says "Good morning sir, how may I help you?"
The customer says "I would like some washing powder please"
The young lad says "Certainly sir, that will be £4.99 please"
The sale is completed and the lad thanks him for his custom.
The shop owner says "Your manner was excellent, but you missed an opportunity to sell some fabric conditioner as well. I'll serve the next one and you watch"
Time passes and the next customer comes in.
The shop owner says smiling "Good day sir, what can I help you with today?"
The customer says "I need to buy some grass seed please".
The shop owner says "No problem sir, and may I recommend this box of lawn fertilizer?"
The customer says "Oh, yes please"
The shop owner says "You'll probably need some netting too, to stop the birds from eating the seed"
The customer says "I hadn't thought of that, so yes"
The shop owner goes on to sell lawn weed killer and garden shears. Finally he says "Would sir require a lawn mower?"
The customer says "Well my one is a bit old and I could do with a new one"
The sale is completed and pleasantries exchanged.
The shop owner turns to the lad and says "Did you learn anything from me?"
The lad says "I certainly did. Can I serve the next one?"
The shop owner says "Ok"
The next customer comes in and says "I need to buy some sanitary towels for my wife"
The young lad says "Certainly sir, and would you like to buy a lawn mower?"
The shop owner looks on shocked as the customer says "What on earth would I need a lawn mower for?"
The lad replies "Well now your weekend's f***ed up it will give you something to do"
|
|
jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
|
Jokes
Aug 19, 2015 12:35:13 GMT
Post by jonno on Aug 19, 2015 12:35:13 GMT
I see the BBC have launched a new porn channel. It's called "cboobies".
|
|
|
|
Jokes
Aug 19, 2015 18:13:40 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Aug 19, 2015 18:13:40 GMT
What’s the difference between a cavalry horse and a brewery horse?
One darts into the fray and the other farts into the dray.
|
|
jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
|
Post by jonno on Aug 20, 2015 8:58:10 GMT
The doctor told me I had to lose some weight.
I said "How?"
He said "Don't eat anything fatty"
I said "What, pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
He said "No. Just don't eat anything, fatty"
|
|
|
|
Post by sterilized on Aug 20, 2015 11:56:39 GMT
An embarrassed woman approached the vicar after a church service. ''I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend, when my husband walked out during your sermon.'' '' I did find it rather disconcerting,'' the vicar replied.
''It's not a reflection on you,'' insisted the churchgoer. ''He's been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.''
|
|
jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
|
Post by jonno on Aug 20, 2015 12:41:40 GMT
I was thrown out of Weight Watchers for making sarcastic comments at the weekly weigh-in. I accepted the decision with huge grace, cos they threw her out as well.
|
|
