markr
Member of DD Central
Posts: 766 
Likes: 426
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Post by markr on Aug 20, 2015 16:44:08 GMT
"Would you like a piece of German fruit cake?"
"Stollen?"
"No, I bought it, you cheeky sod"
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Post by rudry2677 on Aug 23, 2015 21:47:54 GMT
The man who invented the snooze button has died. His funeral will be held tomorrow at 10.00 or 10.10 or maybe 10.20.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
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Post by jonno on Aug 24, 2015 8:36:22 GMT
My mate suffers from paranoid delusions; he thinks he's a chocolate orange.
I'm worried he's going to be sectioned.
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Jokes
Aug 24, 2015 11:31:10 GMT
Vero likes this
Post by sterilized on Aug 24, 2015 11:31:10 GMT
A two cow explanation of the world:-
A CHRISTIAN
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour.
A SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
A TORY
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?
A LIBERAL
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count then again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION
You think you have two cows but are not sure what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You enter into partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
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Post by rudry2677 on Aug 26, 2015 7:02:15 GMT
I'm just an hour into my semaphore class and I'm already beginning to flag.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
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Post by jonno on Aug 26, 2015 9:32:44 GMT
My niece is a morbidly obese agoraphobic. When I go round to my sister's for a chat, we try to avoid the elephant in the room.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
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Jokes
Aug 27, 2015 12:02:46 GMT
Post by jonno on Aug 27, 2015 12:02:46 GMT
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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Jokes
Aug 28, 2015 12:22:08 GMT
Post by rudry2677 on Aug 28, 2015 12:22:08 GMT
To find out whether an elephant is from Africa or India, you need to look at it's ears.
Then lift one up and shout "Where are you from then?"
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Post by rudry2677 on Aug 28, 2015 19:34:11 GMT
If you apply for a job at Citroen, do you need 2 CVs?
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Post by rudry2677 on Aug 30, 2015 15:33:33 GMT
"What are these markings on the map?"
"They're hill areas".
"Don't look funny to me".
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Post by rudry2677 on Aug 31, 2015 16:14:01 GMT
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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Jaydee
Member of DD Central
Posts: 417
Likes: 791
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Post by Jaydee on Sept 3, 2015 14:08:36 GMT
Paddy called the RSPCA and said " I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible , she replied.. are they moving..?
I"m not sure , to be honest, Paddy said,.. " But it would explain the suitcase."
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Post by rudry2677 on Sept 4, 2015 20:31:00 GMT
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
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Jokes
Sept 5, 2015 13:05:50 GMT
Post by rudry2677 on Sept 5, 2015 13:05:50 GMT
Went to the hardware store to buy a masonry drill, but left empty handed. I didn't know the secret handshake.
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Post by rudry2677 on Sept 10, 2015 19:17:36 GMT
I hesitate to think, therefore I um
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