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Jokes
Sept 14, 2015 17:53:29 GMT
Post by rudry2677 on Sept 14, 2015 17:53:29 GMT
Now that Tom Watson is deputy leader and Jeremy Corbyn is the leader of the UK Socialist Party it’s official:
The party is now run by Tom and Jerry.
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Jokes
Sept 14, 2015 18:04:24 GMT
Post by bracknellboy on Sept 14, 2015 18:04:24 GMT
Now that Tom Watson is deputy leader and Jeremy Corbyn is the leader of the UK Socialist Party it’s official: The party is now run by Tom and Jerry. If only that was a joke.
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Jokes
Sept 14, 2015 19:24:57 GMT
Post by oldnick on Sept 14, 2015 19:24:57 GMT
I vote for John Prescott to take the role of Spike the bulldog, he's got the looks and pugnacious personality. Can't wait to see him chase them round Westminster.
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Jokes
Sept 19, 2015 11:36:50 GMT
Post by rudry2677 on Sept 19, 2015 11:36:50 GMT
The popularity of the Corby Trouser Press is decreasing.
Think on it...
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Post by yorkshireman on Oct 20, 2015 13:34:10 GMT
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd,..........
“If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his latest high tech gismo then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturised printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........
“You have exactly 1586 sheep”.
“That is correct; take one of the sheep” said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
“"OK, why not” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant” said the shepherd.
“That's correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required” answers the shepherd.
“You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know  about my business....”
“Now give me back my dog".
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oldgrumpy
Member of DD Central
Posts: 5,087 
Likes: 3,233
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2015 13:49:34 GMT
Post by oldgrumpy on Oct 20, 2015 13:49:34 GMT
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd… "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says… "You have exactly 1586 sheep". "That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not" answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked and you don't know about my business.... Now give me back my dog". Hey! yorkshireman .... Are you suffering from rhubarb deficiency? You told us this joke (which I have passed on!) on Dec 29 2014. I know the old ones are the best ones but....  
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Jokes
Oct 20, 2015 15:10:33 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Oct 20, 2015 15:10:33 GMT
Hey! yorkshireman .... Are you suffering from rhubarb deficiency? I must be, that’s the second joke I’ve duplicated recently.
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Post by rudry2677 on Oct 26, 2015 19:55:01 GMT
"Zoo keeper, your vulture has just eaten my lunch"
"Yes sir, it's a Luncheon Vulture"
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Jokes
Oct 26, 2015 21:31:30 GMT
Post by bracknellboy on Oct 26, 2015 21:31:30 GMT
"Zoo keeper, your vulture has just eaten my lunch" "Yes sir, it's a Luncheon Vulture" You have to be of a certain age to even understand that joke, let alone laugh at it. Probably why oldnick has 'liked' it. uncletone: yoiur turn next.
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skippyonspeed
Some people think I'm a little bit crazy, but I know my mind's not hazy
Posts: 787
Likes: 424
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Post by skippyonspeed on Oct 27, 2015 1:05:40 GMT
Undertaker's special offer........Bury one, bury one free
Hearse custom no. plate......DED1
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skippyonspeed
Some people think I'm a little bit crazy, but I know my mind's not hazy
Posts: 787
Likes: 424
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Jokes
Oct 27, 2015 3:05:40 GMT
Post by skippyonspeed on Oct 27, 2015 3:05:40 GMT
The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd,..........
I think you meant Brioni suit Thought this was gonna be shepherd sh4gging joke!
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Post by yorkshireman on Oct 29, 2015 20:30:58 GMT
Two men were seated in a railway carriage and every so often one would tear two pieces off his newspaper open the window and throw them out.
After a time his companion said, “why do you keep tearing off bits of paper, opening the window and throwing them out?”
“Keeps away the elephants,” was the reply.
“But there are no elephants”
“I know, effective isn’t it?”
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treeman
Member of DD Central
Posts: 1,026
Likes: 557
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Post by treeman on Oct 31, 2015 17:54:08 GMT
Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle!
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treeman
Member of DD Central
Posts: 1,026
Likes: 557
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Jokes
Oct 31, 2015 17:54:18 GMT
Post by treeman on Oct 31, 2015 17:54:18 GMT
Why was the skeleton frightened to cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
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Post by rudry2677 on Nov 2, 2015 11:58:18 GMT
The Somerset town of Chard was once known as Slightly Singed.
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about my business....”
