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Post by rudry2677 on Nov 30, 2015 9:14:35 GMT
Old McDonald had an Opticians. E I E I O
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Jokes
Nov 30, 2015 14:08:51 GMT
Post by GSV3MIaC on Nov 30, 2015 14:08:51 GMT
Definition of the %Australian% aristocracy .. folks who can trace their family tree back as far as their father.
(%x% - insert your own choice of country, race, creed etc .. the one I heard was Oz though .. maybe because most of them are safely beyond arms' reach?).
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808 
Likes: 3,242
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Post by jonno on Nov 30, 2015 14:32:08 GMT
A child asks his father "How are people born?" So his father said "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and they made babies and so on." The child then went to his mother and asked the same question, and she told him "We were monkeys and we evolved to become what we are now." The child ran to his father and said "You lied to me." His father replied "No I didn't; your mother was talking about her side of the family."
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
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Jokes
Nov 30, 2015 14:48:19 GMT
Post by jonno on Nov 30, 2015 14:48:19 GMT
A lady comes home from the doctors grinning from ear to ear.Her husbands asks "Why are you looking so happy?" The wife replies "The doctor told me that for a fifty year old woman I have the breasts of a twenty year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband "And what did he say about your fifty year old ar*ehole?" She said "Do you know what? I don't believe your name even cropped up."
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Post by yorkshireman on Dec 4, 2015 14:19:11 GMT
Why did French army officers have Roman letters on their caps in the past?
Because they would have looked pretty stupid with French ones.
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min
Member of DD Central
Posts: 615
Likes: 182
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Post by min on Dec 6, 2015 16:45:12 GMT
A Polish chap is asked by the optician if he can read the bottom line on the chart.
"Read it? I used to live next door to him in Warsaw".
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
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Post by jonno on Dec 10, 2015 15:05:30 GMT
The past,present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
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Jokes
Dec 16, 2015 13:54:19 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Dec 16, 2015 13:54:19 GMT
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
[Aussie accent]: You can't wash yer face in a buffalo!
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
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Post by jonno on Dec 21, 2015 10:21:55 GMT
Thought I saw a lamb pole-dancing the other day. Then I remembered I was in a kebab shop.  |
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Post by yorkshireman on Dec 21, 2015 16:29:48 GMT
Three young men are ordained as priests, Father Flaherty, Father D'Orsini, and Father Secola.
Time passes, and Father Flaherty and Father D'Orsini become Monsignors, but Father Secola does not.
More time goes by, and Flaherty and D'Orsini become archbishops. But Father Secola is still a lowly priest.
Eventually, Flaherty and D'Orsini are named cardinals, and they go off to Rome.
Frustrated, Father Secola goes to his superior and asks him, "I have been a faithful servant to God. Why have I remained a priest, while my friends are now cardinals?"
His superior smiles kindly. "Father, you know once you get to Rome, anything can happen. And we didn't want the entire Catholic world to have to refer to you as...Pope Secola!"
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Jokes
Dec 24, 2015 13:08:31 GMT
Post by GSV3MIaC on Dec 24, 2015 13:08:31 GMT
Father Christmas is up for his annual FAA inspection and flight test ... all going just fine, until he notices the inspector sitting next to him on the sleigh is cocking a revolver. "Oh No, not a hijack!" he exclaims. "No" says the inspector, "we just need to see how you cope with an in-flight engine failure".
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Post by jevans4949 on Dec 26, 2015 21:43:58 GMT
It must be awful to be named Hall at this time of year.
People trying to deck you with boughs of holly.
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Post by oldnick on Dec 28, 2015 12:39:22 GMT
It's Christmas cracker time!
How should cheese be eaten?
Caerphilly.
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Jokes
Dec 28, 2015 17:50:44 GMT
via mobile
Post by oldnick on Dec 28, 2015 17:50:44 GMT
Patient to his doctor:I think I've got a lettuce growing from my ear.
Doctor: I'm afraid this may be just the tip of the iceberg.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
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Jokes
Dec 29, 2015 13:35:52 GMT
Post by jonno on Dec 29, 2015 13:35:52 GMT
A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents.The son asks "what are we all getting?" The father replies "You're getting an iPad, your sister's getting an iPod, and your mum's getting an iRon"  |
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