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Post by rudry2677 on Jan 12, 2016 21:55:58 GMT
Jerry Hall's nickname for Rupert is Spider-Man. He hasn't any superpowers, he just has difficulty getting out of the bath.
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cooling_dude
Bye Bye's for the PPI
Posts: 2,853 
Likes: 4,298
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Jokes
Jan 24, 2016 3:30:44 GMT
Post by cooling_dude on Jan 24, 2016 3:30:44 GMT
Many years ago me, my sister and my Mum & Dad was on car journey and everyone was p****d off. We had countless arguments, and nobody was talking to each other for stupid reasons We was traveling through Norfolk and through the silence my old man suddenly said " Look everyone, a flock of cows!" I took the bait; " herd of cows, Dad." His response; " Of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there!" Had everyone in stiches. Genius  |
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markr
Member of DD Central
Posts: 766
Likes: 426
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Jokes
Jan 28, 2016 12:19:57 GMT
Post by markr on Jan 28, 2016 12:19:57 GMT
My girlfriend was fed up of my habit of always pretending I'm in a cartoon.
She said we should split up.
I said, "Good idea, you and Thelma search haunted house and me and Scooby will go to the old barn".
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
Member is Online
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Post by jonno on Jan 28, 2016 12:40:31 GMT
After much research a woman puts her beloved mum in a nursing home for the first time. On her first day,the old lady is sitting in a comfortable armchair admiring the beautiful view from the french windows.Suddenly she begins to lean over to the left,but the attentive staff rush to her and straighten her back up.Soon after she leans over to the right,but again the staff immediately straighten her up.This happens a number of times throughout the afternoon.
Later that day the daughter comes to visit and asks her mum about the home. "Oh it's absolutely wonderful" says the old lady."But there is one thing I don't like about the staff". "What's that?" asks the daughter,worriedly.
"They won't let me fart" replied the old lady.
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Hairbear
He who dares..wins (most of the time)
Posts: 144
Likes: 39
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2016 19:08:28 GMT
Post by Hairbear on Mar 8, 2016 19:08:28 GMT
My Polish mates dad goes for an eye test. Optician says "can you tell me what line 6 says" Polish fella says "i can do better that that... i think i know him"
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Hairbear
He who dares..wins (most of the time)
Posts: 144
Likes: 39
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2016 19:16:50 GMT
Post by Hairbear on Mar 8, 2016 19:16:50 GMT
My Dad came up to me the other day and says "i thought i saw your name on a loaf o bread the other day... and then i realised it said THICK CUT"
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Hairbear
He who dares..wins (most of the time)
Posts: 144
Likes: 39
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2016 19:36:42 GMT
Post by Hairbear on Mar 8, 2016 19:36:42 GMT
BEST TIP MY DAD EVER GAVE ME... never trust an atom... they make everything up.
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Hairbear
He who dares..wins (most of the time)
Posts: 144
Likes: 39
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Post by Hairbear on Mar 8, 2016 21:25:59 GMT
Five surgeons attending an RCS conference started discussing patients during a break in proceedings. The first, a Manchester surgeon, says "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” The second, a Liverpool surgeon, responds "Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is colour coded " The third, a Newcastle surgeon, says " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order " The fourth, a Birmingham surgeon, chimes in " You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over " But the fifth, a Yorkshire surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed: " You are all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and the head and the ar*e are interchangeable.” I demand your address... I have substantial medical bills for a severely fractured chuckle muscle... im not payin for it.. it was your joke that did it..lol..that one is priceless and will get an outing in my local next Sunday.
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2016 22:59:43 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Mar 8, 2016 22:59:43 GMT
Apologies to blondes and if I've posted it before:
A blonde calls British Airways and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from London to San Francisco?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you" says the blonde and hangs up.
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Investor
Member of DD Central
Posts: 662
Likes: 590
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2016 23:10:45 GMT
Post by Investor on Mar 8, 2016 23:10:45 GMT
Apologies to blondes and if I've posted it before: A blonde calls British Airways and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from London to San Francisco?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you" says the blonde and hangs up. She wasn't blonde then
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2016 23:25:46 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Mar 8, 2016 23:25:46 GMT
Apologies to blondes and if I've posted it before: A blonde calls British Airways and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from London to San Francisco?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you" says the blonde and hangs up. She wasn't blonde then How did you find that then? Or perhaps you remembered it was a good joke? 
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Investor
Member of DD Central
Posts: 662
Likes: 590
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2016 23:35:56 GMT
Post by Investor on Mar 8, 2016 23:35:56 GMT
I have a photographic memory. Great fun on the forum as it also means I know the people who have created more than one account and I then get great pleasure when they start 'talking' to themselves to try to raise their profile, or get 'others' to agree with their posts. Bit sad really, but keep an eye out for it, it's a great game.
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Hairbear
He who dares..wins (most of the time)
Posts: 144
Likes: 39
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2016 23:50:45 GMT
Post by Hairbear on Mar 8, 2016 23:50:45 GMT
I have a photographic memory. Great fun on the forum as it also means I know the people who have created more than one account and I then get great pleasure when they start 'talking' to themselves to try to raise their profile, or get 'others' to agree with their posts. Bit sad really, but keep an eye out for it, it's a great game. Oh....  ... I'm a newbie , learning the ropes... Every day..info on here provides me with another reason to say nothing...
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Post by andrewholgate on Mar 16, 2016 12:09:47 GMT
Kanye West may have 99 Problems, but Andy Murray has 10 issues.
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min
Member of DD Central
Posts: 615
Likes: 182
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Jokes
Mar 16, 2016 19:20:03 GMT
Post by min on Mar 16, 2016 19:20:03 GMT
Kanye West may have 99 Problems, but Andy Murray has 10 issues. Ooooooh! That's awful. Love it
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... I'm a newbie , learning the ropes... Every day..info on here provides me with another reason to say nothing...
