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Jokes
Jun 16, 2014 21:15:29 GMT
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Post by oldnick on Jun 16, 2014 21:15:29 GMT
And what exactly is wrong with that? Here's a genuine g-dad joke from the 1920s: A strong-willed mother attempted to avoid paying the bus fare for her five year old boy by claiming he was under three and therefore entitled to free travel as per the bus company rules. Her other two toddlers were sitting on her ample lap and likewise travelling free of charge. The bus conductor thought for a second, then said: "Madam, may I suggest you put your boy on your lap as well? Then you too will be 'under three'." They don't tell 'em like that any more. , I know the first part of your tag gives a bit away but, 1920's?! Really?! It's a family heirloom :-) more of a great-grandad joke actually.
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Post by oldnick on Jun 17, 2014 14:41:51 GMT
Man: I need to see my dentist as soon as possible.
Receptionist : Yes sir, 2:30?
Man: Well why else would I be asking!!
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j
Member of DD Central
Penguins are very misunderstood!
Posts: 2,188 
Likes: 540
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2014 20:07:49 GMT
Post by j on Jun 17, 2014 20:07:49 GMT
Three men were discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"   |
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2014 21:24:40 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Jun 17, 2014 21:24:40 GMT
New take on an old proverb.
People who live in glass houses should change clothes in basement.
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j
Member of DD Central
Penguins are very misunderstood!
Posts: 2,188
Likes: 540
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Post by j on Jun 18, 2014 9:02:14 GMT
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted
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Post by oldnick on Jun 19, 2014 5:53:55 GMT
Three hooray henrys, rather the worse for wear, decided to make fun of a lone kilted caledonian in a London pub.
First twit loudly: "Apparently St.Andrew wore womens underwear!"
There was no reaction.
Second twit even louder: "I heard it said St.Andrew was a shirt-lifter!"
After a few seconds of self congratulatory snorting and guffawing they realized that their victim was still quietly nursing his drink, apparently unconcerned by their comments.
Third twit, rather desparately now: "St.Andrew was actually an Englishman!"
Finally, without lifting his eyes from his newspaper, the Scotsman wearily replied: "Aye - so your mates were saying."
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j
Member of DD Central
Penguins are very misunderstood!
Posts: 2,188
Likes: 540
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2014 10:47:06 GMT
Post by j on Jun 19, 2014 10:47:06 GMT
I hurt my back the other day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.
Before people complain I'd like to clarify he is actually 6 & a quarter!
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2014 11:45:49 GMT
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j likes this
Post by oldnick on Jun 19, 2014 11:45:49 GMT
I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off. Before people complain I'd like to clarify he is actually 6 & a quarter! Perfectly orderly conduct - for a penguin...
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Post by andrewholgate on Jun 19, 2014 15:25:01 GMT
A Canadian living near Hudson Bay is driving his car when it breaks down in the middle of winter. He pops the bonnet and there is steam and smoke rising from the engine. After 20 minutes of standing in the freezing cold trying to fix the car another driver comes past. They winding the window and ask "Blown a seal?"
"No, it's just frost on my mustache."
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2014 17:10:46 GMT
Post by GSV3MIaC on Jun 19, 2014 17:10:46 GMT
Oh well, if very whiskery jokes are allowed ..
Q: What lies on the sea bed and quivers? ... A Nervous Wreck. (whatever happened to ROT13?? Or is nobody old enough to remember its use for obscuring answers like that one??)
Q: How do you get 4 elephants in the mini? ... 2 in the front and 2 in the back, of course!
Q: How do you get 4 giraffes in the mini? ... well you can't can you, dummy, it's full of elephants!!
.. and about a thousand more ... all equally antique and silly.
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markr
Member of DD Central
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Post by markr on Jun 19, 2014 17:20:31 GMT
Q: How do you get 4 elephants in the mini? ... 2 in the front and 2 in the back, of course! Q: How do you get 4 giraffes in the mini? ... well you can't can you, dummy, it's full of elephants!! Q: How do you get 2 whales in a mini? A: Down the M4 (Or the M56 if you're from oop north)
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j
Member of DD Central
Penguins are very misunderstood!
Posts: 2,188
Likes: 540
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2014 18:52:36 GMT
Post by j on Jun 19, 2014 18:52:36 GMT
I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off. Before people complain I'd like to clarify he is actually 6 & a quarter! Perfectly orderly conduct - for a penguin... Ahhh.....finally!! Someone who understands penguins  
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j
Member of DD Central
Penguins are very misunderstood!
Posts: 2,188
Likes: 540
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Jokes
Jun 19, 2014 21:36:34 GMT
Post by j on Jun 19, 2014 21:36:34 GMT
To all the dads out there:It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest!
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Jokes
Jun 20, 2014 6:42:12 GMT
Post by GSV3MIaC on Jun 20, 2014 6:42:12 GMT
To all the dads out there:It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest! "I hate growing old" .. Ah, but consider the alternative!
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Jokes
Jun 21, 2014 15:38:27 GMT
Post by oldnick on Jun 21, 2014 15:38:27 GMT
Marge and Ester are out driving in their large sedan when it goes through a red light. No other cars were inconvenienced and the passenger, out of politeness, says nothing. At the next intersection the same thing occurs. The passenger is now alarmed and glances to check that her companion isn't asleep or dead. Satisfied that all is well on that score her eyes return to the road ahead, but as the next red light is approached at a constant speed Marge hesitantly points this and the two previous traffic violations out to Ester. The car sails through on red again and Marge cries out for Ester to stop the car as her nerves can't stand it any longer. Finally Ester responds with equal alarm "Jeez Marge, I thought YOU were driving!
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