Jokes

I took my dad to the doctors yesterday because he found a lump on his head.

The doctor examined him and said your quite correct , there is a lump, it appears to be a Grassy knoll, and I've also found a park bench an what appears to be a small stream.

but please do not worry.....................


it's only a beauty spot.

Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Another belly laugh received  thanks edit.. (again   )

Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale?

She was known as the deep C diva.

After a meeting at the United Nations the majority of delegates decided to visit a night club, as you can imagine this was an extremely large and diverse group consisting of:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbadian, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Malian, a Maltese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, an Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean.

Unfortunately when they arrived at the night club the doorman stopped them and said, ‘Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’