|
|
Post by yorkshireman on May 3, 2016 13:33:02 GMT
A young man named Jim received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jim tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, Jim was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jim shook the parrot and it got angrier and even ruder. Jim, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Jim quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jim’s outstretched arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
Jim was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
|
|
oldgrumpy
Member of DD Central
Posts: 5,087 
Likes: 3,233
|
Jokes
May 3, 2016 15:36:05 GMT
Post by oldgrumpy on May 3, 2016 15:36:05 GMT
You missed out "a Yorkshireman"!  |
|
|
|
Post by yorkshireman on May 9, 2016 12:06:10 GMT
A woman named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Chris Tarrant.
Tarrant: "Pam, you're up to £500,000 with one lifeline left: Phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million pounds. If you get it wrong, you drop back to £32,000. Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Tarrant: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol answers the phone: "Hello?"
Tarrant: "Hello Carol, it's Chris Tarrant from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million pound question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Tarrant: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the £500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Tarrant: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes."
Tarrant: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Tarrant: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million pounds!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Carol: "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks.
|
|
|
|
Post by siatou on May 20, 2016 18:30:34 GMT
Have you heard about the twins who started out as womb mates and then became bosom pals.
|
|
registerme
Member of DD Central
Posts: 6,624
Likes: 6,437
|
Post by registerme on May 21, 2016 16:40:48 GMT
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
|
|
|
|
Post by yorkshireman on May 25, 2016 15:07:19 GMT
The local pub was so sure that it’s barman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the barman said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the £1000 and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the Inland Revenue"
|
|
oldgrumpy
Member of DD Central
Posts: 5,087
Likes: 3,233
|
Jokes
May 26, 2016 12:21:01 GMT
Post by oldgrumpy on May 26, 2016 12:21:01 GMT
|
|
|
|
Jokes
May 26, 2016 14:20:40 GMT
Post by jevans4949 on May 26, 2016 14:20:40 GMT
... The man replied "I work for the Inland Revenue" I remember my father telling me that one, although it involved him squeezing blood out of a stone. He would have been 97 last week, had he lived.
|
|
|
|
Jokes
May 26, 2016 15:03:50 GMT
Post by Deleted on May 26, 2016 15:03:50 GMT
I heard that last in Tokyo in 1981, takes me back, she was a pretty girl.  |
|
jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,242
|
Jokes
May 26, 2016 15:43:24 GMT
Post by jonno on May 26, 2016 15:43:24 GMT
Two guys on camels are riding through the Sahara. One turns to the other and comments on how cracked and sore his lips are.
His mate tells him to get off his camel, lift up its tail and kiss its bum.
He does this, gets back on his camel and asks his mate if that's going to cure his lip problem.
"Not really" says his mate, "But it sure stops you lickin' 'em"
|
|
|
|
Jokes
May 31, 2016 9:41:54 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on May 31, 2016 9:41:54 GMT
Careful, Jaydee, you’ll have the PC police after you for posting Jewish, Irish and blonde jokes. |
|
|
|
Post by yorkshireman on Jun 13, 2016 12:48:23 GMT
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
|
|
|
|
Post by dualinvestor on Jun 13, 2016 14:17:40 GMT
A Scottish lawyer is walking up the outside stone stairs to his first floor office and notices they are very worn. He thinks hang on if I get someone to turn them around they will look just like new. He calls the local builder and gives him instructions to do the job over the weekend. On Monday he gets in and is very disappointed to see no change. As he opens the door he sees a note from the builder:
"Your grandfather had the same idea"
|
|
|
|
Jokes
Jun 13, 2016 15:52:28 GMT
Post by GSV3MIaC on Jun 13, 2016 15:52:28 GMT
An engineer is someone who'll pay £2 for £1-worth of something he wants and needs, whereas an investor is someone who'll pay £1 for £2-worth of something they have absolutely no use for.
(feel free to revert to the original sexist form. 8>.)
|
|
|
|
Jokes
Jun 13, 2016 18:34:23 GMT
Post by yorkshireman on Jun 13, 2016 18:34:23 GMT
A German guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
" Si parla Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The German guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
|
|
