markr
Member of DD Central
Posts: 766 
Likes: 426
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Post by markr on Jul 15, 2017 19:27:56 GMT
Man goes into a chemist...
Man: Can I have a deodorant please?
Shopkeeper: Do you want the ball type?
Man: No, it's for under my arms.
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Post by martin44 on Jul 16, 2017 8:48:05 GMT
A wife sent her husband a text on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband sent answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Short time later husband receives another text from his wife: "The computer has exploded".
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,808
Likes: 3,240
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Post by jonno on Jul 16, 2017 11:06:17 GMT
English teacher: "I want someone to give me a sentence containing the word "definitely""
Billy: "Miss, do farts have lumps in?"
Miss: "Of course not Billy"
Billy: "Well I've definitely sh*t meself then"
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Post by mooset24 on Jul 17, 2017 15:55:12 GMT
my wife didnt believe id made a real working car out of spaghetti......
you should have seen her face when i drove pasta....
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registerme
Member of DD Central
Posts: 6,624
Likes: 6,437
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Jokes
Jul 17, 2017 16:55:56 GMT
Post by registerme on Jul 17, 2017 16:55:56 GMT
my wife didnt believe id made a real working car out of spaghetti...... you should have seen her face when i drove pasta.... That is so awful it got a laugh out of me  .
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skippyonspeed
Some people think I'm a little bit crazy, but I know my mind's not hazy
Posts: 787
Likes: 424
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Jokes
Jul 17, 2017 17:40:42 GMT
Post by skippyonspeed on Jul 17, 2017 17:40:42 GMT
my wife didnt believe id made a real working car out of spaghetti...... you should have seen her face when i drove pasta.... That is so awful it got a laugh out of me . Surely that deserves a ban!! 
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Jokes
Jul 17, 2017 21:49:04 GMT
Post by martin44 on Jul 17, 2017 21:49:04 GMT
That is so awful it got a laugh out of me . Surely that deserves a ban!! Yup obviously dodgy... i bet he's from a spaghetto... 
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Post by mooset24 on Jul 20, 2017 17:56:32 GMT
Surely that deserves a ban!! Yup obviously dodgy... i bet he's from a spaghetto... im honoured! i bet youve told it someone though, i couldnt resist when i first heard it haha!
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Post by mooset24 on Jul 24, 2017 13:50:21 GMT
two aerials got married............
the reception was amazing!!!!!!!
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markr
Member of DD Central
Posts: 766
Likes: 426
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Post by markr on Jul 26, 2017 12:49:15 GMT
I bought a water bed to try and save my marriage, but we just drifted apart.
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Jokes
Aug 9, 2017 15:39:30 GMT
macq likes this
Post by saraph on Aug 9, 2017 15:39:30 GMT
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian. Nobody's laughing now.
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Jokes
Aug 9, 2017 15:43:19 GMT
Post by bracknellboy on Aug 9, 2017 15:43:19 GMT
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian. Nobody's laughing now. ummm, to my ear that joke only really works in its original form i.e. when done in the first person in front of an audience.
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Jokes
Aug 9, 2017 15:46:36 GMT
Post by saraph on Aug 9, 2017 15:46:36 GMT
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian. Nobody's laughing now. ummm, to my ear that joke only really works in its original form i.e. when done in the first person in front of an audience. That can be said for pretty much any joke you first heard from a stand-up comedian. Your first experience set a standard.
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skippyonspeed
Some people think I'm a little bit crazy, but I know my mind's not hazy
Posts: 787
Likes: 424
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Jokes
Aug 9, 2017 16:17:17 GMT
Post by skippyonspeed on Aug 9, 2017 16:17:17 GMT
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian. Nobody's laughing now. Never heard of her, but I know that is a Bob Monkhouse original.......perhaps she should be using this one too...... My audience always leave the theatre happy...we give them their money back.
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toffeeboy
Member of DD Central
Posts: 538
Likes: 385
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Jokes
Aug 10, 2017 13:08:46 GMT
Post by toffeeboy on Aug 10, 2017 13:08:46 GMT
When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian. Nobody's laughing now. Never heard of her, but I know that is a Bob Monkhouse original.......perhaps she should be using this one too...... My audience always leave the theatre happy...we give them their money back. I think it is a joke about her rather than one that she has used herself to be honest.
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