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Post by Companion Cube on Oct 18, 2017 19:25:33 GMT
Speaking of junk. I just threw away my vacuum cleaner.
Well it was just collecting dust.
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Post by spectra on Oct 18, 2017 21:39:09 GMT
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Smith - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Smith, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Smith supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Smith, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Smith looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know" to which the sheriff replied "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Smith wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Smith was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Post by rudry2677 on Oct 25, 2017 18:42:38 GMT
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line...you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
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warn
Member of DD Central
Curmudgeon
Posts: 637 
Likes: 658
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Post by warn on Nov 9, 2017 7:10:24 GMT
Robber runs into a bank waving a gun. "If anyone moves, they're geography".
Someone says, "Surely you mean history".
"Don't change the subject".
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stub8535
Member of DD Central
personal opinions only. Not qualified to advise on investment products.
Posts: 1,447
Likes: 945
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Post by stub8535 on Nov 16, 2017 17:14:14 GMT
Nhs standards
I was just asked if I wanted a hot drink. My response was "white tea please". Answer, from fully qualified nurse, "how do you make white tea?"
And these kids are responsible for calculating my drugs doses!
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warn
Member of DD Central
Curmudgeon
Posts: 637
Likes: 658
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Post by warn on Nov 21, 2017 8:20:42 GMT
I once tried to write a prequel to "Gone With The Wind". Only got as far as the first draft.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Jokes
Nov 21, 2017 10:03:57 GMT
Post by jonno on Nov 21, 2017 10:03:57 GMT
I once tried to write a prequel to "Gone With The Wind". Only got as far as the first draft. Just seen a great film about monkeys giving up smoking- "War for the Planet of the Vapes" 
Oops didn't mean to quote you warn.
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2017 19:53:10 GMT
Post by p2perrr on Nov 27, 2017 19:53:10 GMT
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Only Juan.
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stub8535
Member of DD Central
personal opinions only. Not qualified to advise on investment products.
Posts: 1,447
Likes: 945
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Post by stub8535 on Nov 27, 2017 20:38:09 GMT
Nhs standards I was just asked if I wanted a hot drink. My response was "white tea please". Answer, from fully qualified nurse, "how do you make white tea?" And these kids are responsible for calculating my drugs doses! They got the last laugh as under influence of morphine when asked if I wanted a hot drink I asked for a "white tea no coffee" then went back to sleep.
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warn
Member of DD Central
Curmudgeon
Posts: 637
Likes: 658
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Jokes
Dec 1, 2017 10:00:13 GMT
Post by warn on Dec 1, 2017 10:00:13 GMT
Came home the other day, some bloke was stealing my front gate! I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Dec 21, 2017 16:20:10 GMT
Two snowmen in a field. One turns to other and says "can you smell carrots?"  |
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Post by steelspanner on Dec 21, 2017 22:03:36 GMT
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Aussie replied, 'These are Carols.'
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Post by skint4achange on Dec 24, 2017 14:37:02 GMT
My wife just sent me a text which read "Window's frozen".
I told her to pour hot water over the window.
Next text read as follows: "Computer is totally F***ed now"! 
EDIT: Merry Christmas all and a prosperous new year!
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Jokes
Dec 25, 2017 13:55:12 GMT
Post by saraph on Dec 25, 2017 13:55:12 GMT
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
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Jokes
Dec 25, 2017 23:30:49 GMT
Post by skint4achange on Dec 25, 2017 23:30:49 GMT
Just a quickie to cheer you up on a drunken Boxing day:
Woman goes to see her doctor and says;
"Doctor, the HRT treatment you gave me is giving me hair in strange places!"
Doctor relies;
"That is normal for HRT, but where are you experiencing this hair growth?"
Woman says;
"On my balls!"
Happy new year!
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