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Post by martin44 on Jun 27, 2020 19:28:28 GMT
At the gym the other day i asked the instructor bloke if he could show me how to do the splits.. he asked how flexible i was.. i told him i cant do Tuesdays or Fridays. That's a proper old Tommy cooper one.  |
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806 
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Jun 28, 2020 12:47:34 GMT
Went to a concert by the Bermudan Symphony Orchestra last week. Half way through the performance, the bloke on the triangle disappeared.  |
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Jul 9, 2020 9:21:57 GMT
I was walking past a pet shop the other day, when I saw an advert in the window: "Pure bred Netherlands cat for sale". I was sceptical to say the least, so I went inside and said to the shop assistant "How dutch is that moggy in the window?"  |
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Jul 16, 2020 9:35:52 GMT
Computer: "Please create password"
Me: "Carlsberg"
Computer: "Password must be stronger"
Me: "Carlsberg Export".
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Jul 23, 2020 10:30:33 GMT
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 MORE?..........................You could be entitled to compensation!
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
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slippery
Member of DD Central
Posts: 83
Likes: 61
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Post by slippery on Jul 23, 2020 18:24:53 GMT
An illegal rave is going on near a wind farm. One turbine asks the next one "Don't you just hate this music?" Other wind turbine replies "Of course - I'm a big metal fan".
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slippery
Member of DD Central
Posts: 83
Likes: 61
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Post by slippery on Jul 27, 2020 14:38:18 GMT
Just heard the headlines - every overweight person should lose 5 pounds to save the NHS £100 million. Well, I've more than played my part ..... invested a lot more than that in loan #227 on AC.
(Fill in punchline from your own favourite mistake on Lendy, Coll etc)
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Jul 27, 2020 15:06:42 GMT
My wife thinks I'm a tight-wad. So, to prove her wrong I'm taking her out for tea and biscuits tomorrow afternoon. It should be really exciting as she's never given blood before  |
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Jokes
Jul 28, 2020 20:04:13 GMT
Post by martin44 on Jul 28, 2020 20:04:13 GMT
I popped into my local pet-shop t'other day to ask
"how much are your bees"
"we don't sell bees"
"you've got one in window"
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slippery
Member of DD Central
Posts: 83
Likes: 61
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Jokes
Jul 28, 2020 23:47:03 GMT
Post by slippery on Jul 28, 2020 23:47:03 GMT
Trump announces "My cognitive test was incredibly good. SO good. Really, just unbelievable"
Aide mutters in background "Next time, tell him he's supposed to write on it, NOT eat it"
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
|
Post by jonno on Jul 29, 2020 9:33:29 GMT
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
|
Post by jonno on Aug 1, 2020 9:12:01 GMT
It's been reported that all of the road signs in Yorkshire have been stolen. Police are currently looking for Leeds.  |
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slippery
Member of DD Central
Posts: 83
Likes: 61
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Jokes
Aug 1, 2020 21:54:53 GMT
Post by slippery on Aug 1, 2020 21:54:53 GMT
Tenant farmer has set up beehives in a field but his cattle keep knocking into the hives, disturbing the bees. So he buys some fenceposts & wire to make barriers around the hives. He's erecting the fences when the snooty laird rides past. Laird watches then laughs disdainfully, "That won't work, you're far too late - your bees have already escaped and are on the heather on the hillside".
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Aug 5, 2020 9:25:17 GMT
A lorry carrying two tons of horse hair has overturned on the M6. Police have so far refused to comment other than to say they are still combing the area.  |
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Post by Companion Cube on Aug 7, 2020 19:38:06 GMT
A large hole has been discovered in the wall surrounding the Barebuds nudist resort. The police are looking into it.
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