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Jokes
Aug 7, 2020 19:40:04 GMT
Post by Companion Cube on Aug 7, 2020 19:40:04 GMT
Last night vandals broke into the local police station and smashed up all on the toilets. The police have nothing to go on.
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Post by stan88 on Aug 8, 2020 13:42:54 GMT
Serco the firm behind the COVID-19 contact tracers app (need a name and email address just ask) also run the maintenance for the ballistic missile early warning system. So rest assured that you will never know what hit you.
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Grezza
Member of DD Central
Posts: 152 
Likes: 101
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Post by Grezza on Aug 13, 2020 13:35:24 GMT
I've just had my house redecorated, and feeling a little sorry for him, I gave the job to an airline pilot recently made redundant due to the Covid19 cut backs in the travel industry. I have to say, he made a really great job of the landing.
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slippery
Member of DD Central
Posts: 83
Likes: 61
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2020 23:26:52 GMT
Post by slippery on Aug 20, 2020 23:26:52 GMT
Trump gets interviewed on Fox news about allegations that his election manager Vlad may be implicated in an assassination attempt on Alexei Navalny. "Fake news" responds Trump. Reporter asks if the President has some inside info leading him to refute the allegations.
"It's a bigly lie - that Navaho guy - he isn't a friend of mine, I don't know him - but I heard he's just a cough-y drinker".
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Aug 23, 2020 12:29:57 GMT
I once had a chat with Elvis about certain supermarkets: Waitrose, Co-Op, Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury's, Aldi and Morrisons. It was a Lidl-less conversation.
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iRobot
Member of DD Central
Posts: 1,680
Likes: 2,477
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Post by iRobot on Aug 23, 2020 12:41:01 GMT
I once had a chat with Elvis about certain supermarkets: Waitrose, Co-Op, Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury's, Aldi and Morrisons. It was a Lidl-less conversation. Focus a a bit more on mainland Europe and maybe we can have a little more Action, please?
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Post by stan88 on Sept 17, 2020 14:17:36 GMT
Chris Graylings first day at Felixstowe port "What's that big thing?" Port worker "Container Ship gov".
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Sept 19, 2020 11:08:55 GMT
Why is it that whenever I get naked, women just shriek and run out of the park?   |
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slippery
Member of DD Central
Posts: 83
Likes: 61
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Jokes
Sept 25, 2020 23:42:40 GMT
Post by slippery on Sept 25, 2020 23:42:40 GMT
Heard on the radio earlier that author Miguel Cervantes was dangerously addicted to donkeys, and in fact became famous for his "Don key O D".
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toffeeboy
Member of DD Central
Posts: 538
Likes: 385
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Post by toffeeboy on Oct 7, 2020 15:29:00 GMT
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt and then it clicked.
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2020 18:09:06 GMT
Post by dan1 on Oct 9, 2020 18:09:06 GMT
For halloween this year I'm dressing up as Bozo the Clown and shouting "Track and Trace" instead of "Trick or Treat"  |
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slippery
Member of DD Central
Posts: 83
Likes: 61
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2020 23:18:36 GMT
Post by slippery on Oct 9, 2020 23:18:36 GMT
For halloween this year I'm dressing up as Bozo the Clown and shouting "Track and Trace" instead of "Trick or Treat" You're too late! The costume for Bojo the clown has already been filled - but if you're prepared to comb your hair you could try the costume for effective Prime Minister, maybe? It comes with a useful windmill to blow skin off rice pudding.
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Greenwood2
Member of DD Central
Posts: 4,384
Likes: 2,784
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2020 11:42:34 GMT
Post by Greenwood2 on Oct 19, 2020 11:42:34 GMT
Found randomly on the internet, apologies in advance. 
2020 as a Maths Problem
If you are walking on the ice cream at 5 ounces per toaster and your bicycle loses a sock, how much gravy will you need to repaint your Hamster?
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benaj
Member of DD Central
N/A
Posts: 5,608
Likes: 1,738
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2020 11:46:28 GMT
Post by benaj on Oct 19, 2020 11:46:28 GMT
The ultimate answer is ..
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jj
Member of DD Central
Jolly Jammy
Posts: 320
Likes: 358
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Post by jj on Oct 19, 2020 12:15:47 GMT
My wife's credit card got stolen. I didn't report it stole for six months. The reason ?
Whoever is using it is costing me less than my wife.
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