macq
Member of DD Central
Posts: 1,934 
Likes: 1,199
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Jokes
Jul 12, 2022 9:18:39 GMT
Post by macq on Jul 12, 2022 9:18:39 GMT
Boris goes into a bank and asks them to cash a cheque. cashier - a pleasure sir just need to see some ID Boris - i am the PM i did not bring ID as everyone knows me cashier - rules are rules sir you will need to prove who you are Boris - As i said i am the PM and i don't carry ID but there must be someway to do this cashier - well One day we had Harry Kane in here with the same problem so he nipped to his car and came back with a ball and chipped it in the waste paper bin from 30 feet,so we know it was him We also had Gordon Ramsey with no ID but he told the manager to f-off and the knocked up a great meal in the canteen in 20 minutes for everybody proving it was him Boris -ok cashier - so can you do something to prove who you are Boris - Well i have been thinking and my mind is a complete blank.There's nothing that comes to mind so i have no idea what to do cashier - That's fine sir which notes would you like and there was me thinking he was going to jump over the desk and s**g the cashier. your punch line was better. The punchline went with it as it was the withdrawal joke. Think yours might be the deposit version. 
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Jul 12, 2022 9:50:10 GMT
In India a little boy on a buffalo cart tickling the buffalos b****s with his toes to keep it compliant. By Christ............Don't let my missus read this 
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agent69
Member of DD Central
Posts: 6,030
Likes: 4,431
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Post by agent69 on Jul 12, 2022 17:17:24 GMT
Crotchety old woman tees of on the first hole of the golf course. She hits a big slice and the ball ends up on the lawn of a private house next to the course. There is a low level fence between the house and the course so she steps over the fence to retrive her ball. However, at this point the home owner appears and accuses her of trespassing, and they start a heated arguement. Eventually the woman retreats back to the course without her ball. She goes to her golf bag and pulls out another ball, which she throws onto the lawn next to her first ball.
Why did you do that asks the home owner? Because every pr*ck has two balls says the lady.
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registerme
Member of DD Central
Posts: 6,618
Likes: 6,432
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Post by registerme on Sept 17, 2022 14:14:55 GMT
A Ukrainian immigrant comes to America, works hard...
... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.
“What is that for?” he asks.
The Ukrainian says “That is my talking Russian clock.”
“Really?...How does it work?”
“I will show you.”
The Ukrainian takes the metal pot, places it next to the wall and bangs on it with the hammer till the Russian next door neighbor yells:
"Blyat ! It’s three o’clock in the ******* morning!"
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agent69
Member of DD Central
Posts: 6,030
Likes: 4,431
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Jokes
Oct 18, 2022 17:37:39 GMT
Post by agent69 on Oct 18, 2022 17:37:39 GMT
Heard this on the radio, but can't find it on the net.
Curator of japanese artifacts has damaged the countries oldest toilet, by reversing his car into the door.
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Jokes
Oct 18, 2022 17:39:39 GMT
Post by bracknellboy on Oct 18, 2022 17:39:39 GMT
Heard this on the radio, but can't find it on the net.
Curator of japanese artifacts has damaged the countries oldest toilet, by reversing his car into the door.
It was definitely on t'internet as it came up on my mobile a couple of hours ago. Actually the good old beeb
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Post by bernythedolt on Oct 18, 2022 18:15:14 GMT
Heard this on the radio, but can't find it on the net.
Curator of japanese artifacts has damaged the countries oldest toilet, by reversing his car into the door.
A clear case of car-me-khazi. I'll get my coat...
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Nomad
Member of DD Central
Posts: 755
Likes: 513
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2022 7:26:46 GMT
via mobile
Post by Nomad on Oct 19, 2022 7:26:46 GMT
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2022 9:01:54 GMT
Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2022 9:01:54 GMT
Wonderful, time for a little Kintsugi
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Oct 19, 2022 9:14:45 GMT
Heard this on the radio, but can't find it on the net.
Curator of japanese artifacts has damaged the countries oldest toilet, by reversing his car into the door.
At least the car was only a bog standard Ford. Ahem.
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Nomad
Member of DD Central
Posts: 755
Likes: 513
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Jokes
Oct 19, 2022 10:04:54 GMT
via mobile
adrianc likes this
Post by Nomad on Oct 19, 2022 10:04:54 GMT
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
Likes: 3,237
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Post by jonno on Oct 19, 2022 10:20:25 GMT
Wow. Well looking at that, the toilet was the best place for it!
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Post by stan88 on Oct 25, 2022 14:15:12 GMT
Sunak has just offered Jacob Rees-Mogg the new post of cabinet minister for the 19th Century.
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Jokes
Oct 25, 2022 14:27:41 GMT
Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2022 14:27:41 GMT
Perhaps he could just go to Dublin
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littleoldlady
Member of DD Central
Running down all platforms due to age
Posts: 3,045
Likes: 1,862
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Jokes
Oct 25, 2022 15:26:56 GMT
Post by littleoldlady on Oct 25, 2022 15:26:56 GMT
Sunak has just offered Jacob Ress-Mogg the new post of cabinet minister for the 19th Century. You mean he could not even get his name right?
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