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Jokes
Oct 25, 2022 18:58:15 GMT
Post by stan88 on Oct 25, 2022 18:58:15 GMT
Sunak has just offered Jacob Ress-Mogg the new post of cabinet minister for the 19th Century. You mean he could not even get his name right? One edit later, I guess Mogg didn't fancy working with that socialist Sunak.
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ilmoro
Member of DD Central
'Wondering which of the bu***rs to blame, and watching for pigs on the wing.' - Pink Floyd
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Jokes
Oct 25, 2022 19:29:08 GMT
via mobile
Post by ilmoro on Oct 25, 2022 19:29:08 GMT
Sunak has just offered Jacob Ress-Mogg the new post of cabinet minister for the 19th Century. You mean he could not even get his name right? Or the job as he's known as Honourable Member/Minister for the 18th Century.
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warn
Member of DD Central
Curmudgeon
Posts: 636
Likes: 658
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Post by warn on Oct 25, 2022 21:55:24 GMT
Bugsy (runs into a bank, waving a machine gun): This is a hold-up. Anyone moves, they're geography.
Cashier: Surely you mean they're history?
Bugsy: Don't change the subject.
(apologies for lack of political content)
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
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Post by jonno on Oct 26, 2022 9:17:43 GMT
My brother has been charged by the police for stealing street furniture. Worryingly, I went round to his house yesterday and all the signs were there.  |
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warn
Member of DD Central
Curmudgeon
Posts: 636
Likes: 658
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Post by warn on Oct 27, 2022 7:36:18 GMT
In a daring overnight raid, all the toilet seats in New Scotland Yard were stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
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Post by jonno on Nov 5, 2022 14:18:32 GMT
Two blokes are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly, one of them glazes over, grabs at his chest and collapses. The other guy immediately rings 999 and he tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead. The operator tells him to calm down and make sure that his companion is indeed dead. There is a pause followed by a loud bang. The man comes back on the phone..................."Ok, now what?"
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warn
Member of DD Central
Curmudgeon
Posts: 636
Likes: 658
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Post by warn on Nov 21, 2022 23:02:18 GMT
Came home this evening, some bloke had just unscrewed my front gate and was loading it into his van. I decided not to object - didn't want him to take a fence.
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agent69
Member of DD Central
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Jokes
Nov 22, 2022 10:17:36 GMT
Post by agent69 on Nov 22, 2022 10:17:36 GMT
Came home this evening, some bloke had just unscrewed my front gate and was loading it into his van. I decided not to object - didn't want him to take a fence.That reminds me of another fence joke (I believe from the two Ronnies).
When asked what he was doing about tightening up defence, General Idi Amin said de man with de hammer and nails is coming in de morning.
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Post by martin44 on Feb 11, 2023 13:26:30 GMT
Came home this evening, some bloke had just unscrewed my front gate and was loading it into his van. I decided not to object - didn't want him to take a fence.That reminds me of another fence joke (I believe from the two Ronnies).
When asked what he was doing about tightening up defence, General Idi Amin said de man with de hammer and nails is coming in de morning.
On the subject of mad bad African rulers, i never knew Mugabee was from Yorkshire until i read his name backwards.
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warn
Member of DD Central
Curmudgeon
Posts: 636
Likes: 658
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Post by warn on Feb 12, 2023 9:45:14 GMT
Pompey lost again yesterday. They're nott'arf krap.
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
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Post by jonno on Feb 12, 2023 10:12:01 GMT
Pompey lost again yesterday. They're nott'arf krap. Got it!.............But strictly speaking, haven't you krapped in the wrong place? 
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Post by martin44 on Feb 22, 2023 21:23:42 GMT
blind man goes into John Lewis’s.
An assistant spots him standing in the middle of the ground floor swinging his guide dog around by its lead above his head.
The assistant says ‘Can I help you sir?’
The man replies: ‘No thanks. Just looking round
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Post by martin44 on Feb 22, 2023 21:25:59 GMT
A woman asks her husband for £3000 for a boob job.
£3000 ? you must be ******ing joking he said,
get a folded up piece of toilet paper & keep rubbing it up & down your cleavage.
"Will that make my boobs bigger" she asks.
"Why not" says he - "it works well enough on your arse"
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jonno
Member of DD Central
nil satis nisi optimum
Posts: 2,806
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Post by jonno on Feb 25, 2023 12:16:09 GMT
I broke down the other day and not knowing much about cars, I called out the AA. He looked under the bonnet for a while and called me over, pointing in the engine bay. "There's your problem" he said triumphantly. "What?" I replied. "Shite in you carburettor" he said. "Ah, so how often do I have to do that?" I politely enquired.
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Post by martin44 on May 20, 2023 22:09:48 GMT
Paddy cannot make his wife have an orgasm
goes to the doctors and the doctor says "i think your wife is overheating during love making... buy her a fan"
Paddy being a bit tight, asks his mate to waft a towel over his wife while they making love.
well paddys mate micky is stood there for 15 minutes wafting away and no orgasm.
"i tell you what paddy, say micky, you waft the towel while i give your wife a seeing to and see if it makes a difference"
within minutes.. paddys wife has an almighty orgasm...
paddy says to micky "Now thats how you waft a fukin towel"
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